It wasn’t that I thought that I’d never carry a child when I started this blog, I just didn’t think I’d be carrying a child in the near future. I wanted this to be a chronicle of our quest to get R pregnant. I thought I’d be talking about our quest for motherhood as sort of an outsider, an observer. Now that we’re switching to my body I don’t know if I should change the name. It’s weird. I never felt like I was an observer as we did R’s insems. I planned everything. I tracked her temps, dealt with our donor, made the appointments, made sure she was eating well and taking her vitamins to prepare her body for pregnancy. The downside of this was that I was the one that felt like a failure each cycle she didn’t get pregnant. It was the same way with our wedding. I contacted all the vendors, made the appointments, and knew everyone’s flight plans and hotel arrangements. R jokes that all she had to do was show up. She likes it that way. One of my personal mottos is “B gets shit done.” I’m the planner. I live by the list. It brings me much joy to have a long to do list and check things off one by one. If I need Ex.cel it makes me even happier. I live my life by spreadsheets and lists. I have even designed a spreadsheet to track my temps, meds, etc.
Since I’m the planner and now the one that hopes to get knocked up I worry that R will feel left out of the process. I thought about surrendering this blog to R, but she’s not really a blogger (not that I have been that great). It’s really your loss. She’s a wonderful writer and is extremely hilarious. Instead, I’m trying to think of another name. I am no longer in a quest to me the other mother. I hope to be the birth mother. Now I have to come up with another name…
